So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
