Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
