1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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