I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
