did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
