Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
