I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
