new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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