I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Houston, we have a squirter
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
