I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
