god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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