I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
