Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
