to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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