Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
