i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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