I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
