If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
