I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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