i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
