Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
