she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
