My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
