so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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