first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
