here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
