I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
