I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
