Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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