Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
