hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
