He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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