just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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