Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Randomize
