I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
