Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
