he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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