im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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