This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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