believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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