The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
