Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
