david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
