Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
