Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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