I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
