im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
