Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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