Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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