Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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