I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
