I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
